我 长 大 的 时候。。。

(When I grow up…)

My older son just turned 4 less than a month ago, and he’s quite anxious to grow up.

Every time he sees my wife and I doing something that he can’t do at the moment (paying for groceries, drinking alcohol (LOL), cooking, going to work, etc- aka “adulting” for the millennials), he says in mandarin- “When I grow up, I can do that…”, and I just respond with a “看 看 吧。。。” (Let’s just see…).

My response is obviously vague and non-committal, because in all honesty- I just don’t want him to think about those things yet. I’m not ready for my little boy to grow up that fast. I don’t want him to think about how daddy’s back isn’t always in the best shape, and how grandma and grandpa are getting older, and how managing finances isn’t always the easiest thing to do with a growing family. (I did promise him in jest that I would teach him how to drink good alcohol, haha)

And yet- I know that I can’t shield him from what’s coming. And so I must teach him indeed that one day Daddy won’t be able to do all the things that he does now, how grandma and grandpa won’t be with us forever, and that he and his little brother need to be best friends and look out for each other through thick and thin, and how in and through all of these things (and all that comes his way)- the most important thing in this life is to trust and love Jesus, and to love people.

So yes, my son, you will grow up- and in time Daddy will need you to be there for him when he can’t remember things so well, or if he can’t walk as straight, or can’t carry things like he used to or carry you as he does now. As much as 爸 爸 wants you to stay young and cute, he must remember to entrust your life to God through each and every day, through every teaching moment, every time you are mistreated by someone at school, every moment of discipline, through each mistake that Daddy may make out of anger or impatience towards you. And because 爸 爸 is far from the perfect example, he’ll do his best to point you to Jesus, and pray every day that you would come to trust, love, and follow Him all your days.

May you grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

Trying to sneak a short post in…

…because I’ve already fallen off in trying to do this more consistently.

I’ve recently had two things on my mind (that’s unrelated to work):

1. My own patterns of sinfulness throughout the years
2. God’s prodding to meet the needs of the under-served.

As for number one- I was watching a short clip from Paul Tripp (a Christian Pastor/Counselor), and he said something that really stuck with me.

It went something like this (I won’t direct quote because I may get it slightly wrong):

Self-examination is a community project. Don’t believe that you know yourself better than anyone else. If the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9), and we are warned about the deceitfulness of sin (Hebrews 3:13), could it not be possible that we are deceived about ourselves? Could it not be that others may see our sin better than we do? 

*Ouch*.

Oftentimes we (the Christian community) are so much better at hiding our sins from one another instead of confessing them, especially when we sin against one another. Or maybe it’s more like sweeping them under the rug, because those we sin against already know of it, so there’s nothing to really hide.

In any case, just that little clip made me think of my own sinful bent, and how it has always left a trail behind me:

“The sins of some people are conspicuous, going before them to judgment, but the sins of others appear later.”  1 Timothy 5:24

How humbling, (and honestly how embarrassing) it is when we think no one sees our sin, but in reality, everyone may already see it.

I’ve had a small recurring thought- more of a reminder to myself than anything: “It’s never too late to live a holy life.” Even though my sins vastly outweigh my good deeds or thoughts, even though my trail of sins may be long and shameful, and I must feel the weight of the accumulation- I am not called remain in that place of despair. I’m called to walk in the light of Christ’s forgiveness and cleansing, of the new nature (Christ himself!) who is living in me, to sow to the Spirit, and not to the flesh. To forget what is behind, and to strive toward the heavenward call that is in Christ Jesus.

^“12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. ¹⁶ Only let us hold true to what we have attained.” – Philippians 3:12-16

Lest I make things sound triumphalist- I only have Romans 7 to remind me that as long as I’m in this body, my sin nature clings to my flesh to compete with the Spirit’s desires. I’ve only come to recognize this truth more as I’ve grown older. And I’m still learning (and will always be) that God wants me to put sin to death day by day by His Spirit, and to grow in loving what God loves, and doing what He would do.

“Breathe on me, breath of God;

Fill me with life anew;

That I might love, what God dost love;

And do what Thou wouldst do.”  -Edwin Hatch

http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/Breathe_on_Me_Breath_of_God/

This leads me to my second thought. For a few months now, I’ve had another recurring thought: “You’ve read enough, and know enough. It’s time to do what you know.”

I remember how Isaiah 58 had burned me so deeply during my first years after college- how it was truly my life-line, in how God chose to meet me in my times of loneliness.

And now, 17 years later, despite being surrounded by my loving wife and 2 cute little sons (who are growing up too fast)- I still feel this loneliness.

This is of no fault of my wife or family by any means. I believe that God has left that particular passage on my heart to keep me from being so easily taken in by comfort and security, which, let’s face it, are kind of priorities when you’re growing a family.

Where this will lead me at this point- I’m not sure. But I cannot stay still and do nothing. I want to go where He himself wants me to be- to serve how He wants me. Not as I prefer.

So much for short post….